Being Protected
Some thoughts about my inner experience.
How do I protect myself? This may be a question we all should be asking ourselves. I feel most at ease when I am either alone, or when I don’t feel obliged to interact with others. Is this because I believe that it is inherently risky to engage? Or does this reflect a disconnection with my sense of agency.. the fact that I can always exercise my freedom to express my limits, my wishes, my preferences, and still be kind to others. I can say that it has been true that in my insecurity I have tended to volunteer myself for pleasing others (fear of conflict). When it has been necessary to stand up for myself, or ask someone to respect my limits, I have found this to be difficult. Failing to be proactive in this way can then create a situation where I become resentful and over extend. This in turn can become explosive if I reach my boiling point, or if my resentment and anger come out sideways. This has been a chronic situation in certain areas of my life and I have resorted to avoiding the challenges of it be isolating or distancing myself from others. This is understandable and it is my intention to refrain from judging myself for it.
Listening
I like to be able to hear myself think. What does this mean exactly? Somettime it can mean having silence and time without interaction. I can listen to music or to someone talking and also follow my internal dialog. Do I express my inner thoughts truthfully with others? This depends. Why have I fallen into a pattern of limiting myself, editing myself, being self-conscious atround certain people? I suppose that I learned at an early age that it wasn’t safe to just be myself and take that space to just be and explore myself in the world. Perhaps I felt that it was necessary to monitor and be present for my parent(s) because I felt that they were maybe not okay.. that they were experiencing difficulties and volatility. I believe that they were both struggling at times with their own inner conflictedness and pain.
What’s in the Cards?
WHat will I do now, at this moment of my life? I will live one day at a time. Reading, listening, stretching, walking, moving, playing. I can be alone if I want to be. That is totally okay. Nevertheless I can feel shame when I suspect that others think it is unhealthy for me to take the space that I want to take. Having my house on the dirt road has that feeling to it. It is a symbol of the beauty of solitude. I delight in solitude, and I am also aware of the pain behind that part of my life. And yet, I haven’t known anything different with consistency. I have certainly tried to find other ways of living, at times I have tried very hard. Generally though, these adventures and explorations have given me experiences, but not fundamentally freed me from whatever my limitations are in this regard. Today is no different. I feel inside myself a wanting to let go of every tug of “should” with regard to others. TM is on my mind. How to keep him at a distance and be clear about my autonomy with him? I don’t trust him. My parents seemed to be able to have these close connections to people and be accepting of there quirks and imperfections. (thinking of Mike S also) I however, don’t have that comfort, and I feel the need to unravel those ties to keep clear of paranoia around what someone may come at me with. Is this selfish? Maybe yes, I have trouble judging that.
